The Story of the Little Green Outriding Hood

Cute and Quiet. Makes a lot of hand gestures, a bit like Yoda, but less green.

Topic/Postby Gergel » 28 Dec 2008, 15:26

The Story of the Little Green Outriding Hood

This isn't really a "Gergel" story. I'm just putting it here 'cause this is kind of my corner of the forum.



"Gather around now, children, and I will tell you a story."

"A fairy tale, grandma!"

"A tale of battle and honour!"

"A tale where someone kills something!"

"Tell us a true story!"

"Children, children... Maybe I will tell you a story that is both a fairy
tale and real, and has battle and honour in it."

"But killing!..."

"Don't interrupt Grandma when she's speaking! Or Grandma will be very angry
and whack you upside the head with this here rolling pin. You got that?"

And several voices said, "Yes, Grandma!"

"Like I said, it has battle and honour in it. And you don't do battle or
gain honour without killing something.

"So, this is a tale I call 'The Story of the Little Green Outriding Hood'."

"But Grandma, isn't that supposed to be 'Little Red Riding Hood'?"

"Mog, what did Grandma tell you about interrupting her while she's
speaking?! Now don't you dare interrupt me again! And when I say 'Little
Green Outriding Hood' then I mean 'green' and 'outriding'.

"So, long time ago -- or maybe not so long, only a few years -- the
warchief of a powerful Orc village sent his daughter to visit an old
wise-woman who lived in the nearby forest. The warchief gave the girl a
basket full of goodies. There was a shank of meat from a fierce boar, and
mighty booze brewed by the best Ogre brewmasters, and the head of a human

"So Little Green Outrunning Hood took the basket --"

"Grandma! You said 'Outriding', not 'Outrun--'"



"Owwww... Sorry Grandma!"

"As I was saying. Little Green Outrunning Hood she was called, because
those days we Orcs didn't ride on beasts yet, she took the basket of
goodies and set out towards the forest and the old Troll wise-woman.

"But a big wolf saw her running along the plains and stopped her, faking
polite and friendly speach. 'What do you have in your basket there, little
Orc girl?' the Wolf asked.

"'I have food and booze for the wise-woman who lives in the forest,' said
the Orc girl, 'and the head of a human chieftain, for the wise-woman likes
such things and makes fine battle-magic out of them.'

"'I see,' said the Wolf. He was hungry and the boar stench was mighty
strong about the girl. And the girl herself was lean and muscular and would
make for several days' good eating. But the huge sword strapped on the
girl's back made the Wolf think twice about attacking her alone.

"So he ran off -- being a wolf on four feet he could run much faster than
the Orc girl -- and gathered up his pack in the forest. Then the wolf-pack
ran to the wise-woman's hut.

"The Troll fought well. Her magic took down many many wolves and their
scorched corpses littered the ground around her. But in the end the wolves
were too many and the big Wolf jumped at her and ripped out her throat,
like so."

*Gesture of something tearing at someone's soft vulnerable bits*

*Murmurs of youthful approval*

"Then the wolf-pack took the old woman's body and the corpses of their own
and hid them. And the Wolf took the wise-woman's clothes and dressed in
them and went to the woman's house and hid in the bed-spread.

"And not too soon. The Little Green Outrunning Hood arrived and walked into
the cottage. She dropped her basket on the floor and said, 'Hey, you,
voodoo-woman! My father the warchief sent these for you so you can cast a
spell of battle and bring victory to the Horde!'

"The Wolf, trying to sound Trollish, replied: 'Dat be very nice, girl, ah
be doin' big voodoo soon. But I be tired an' cold right now, why don' ya
come ta de bed wit' me an' warm me up?

"So the girl sat on the bed-spread with the Wolf. She looked down in the
darkness of the hut and said, 'But wise-woman, what short fingernails you
have!' Because the old wise-woman had had great yellow talons on her hands
that she had been growing for a long time and the Wolf's claws were nothing
compared to those.

"The Wolf said, 'Ah clipped de nails 'cause dey bothered me nose-pickin!'

"The Little Green Outrunning Hood again said, 'But wise-woman, what hairy
arms you have!'

"And the Wolf said, 'I be tryin' ta learn from de Tauren druids an' change
me body inta animal but it don' be workin' too well yet.'

"And the girl said, 'But wise-woman, your tusks are so short and white!',
for the old witch-woman had had mighty yellow troll-tusks.

"Then the Wolf was angry, as he was proud of his large fangs, and said,
'For mocking my great fangs I will rip you to shreds!' and jumped from the
bed and out of the window. There he let out a loud howl and his pack
gathered around him to tear the girl to pieces.

"And the Little Green Outrunning Hood grabbed her heavy two-handed sword,
leaped from the house, yelled 'Blood and thunder!' and the battle was

"It lasted for a long time. Or not so very long at all. After all, she was
a great warrior and her opponents were a mere wolf-pack. Her great cleaves
tore the wolves asunder, spilling blood and gore and making body-parts fly
in the air."

*More murmurs of youthful approval*

"And soon the wolf-pack was completely destroyed! There was blood and
entrails and stench everywhere. Only the one Wolf remained, the head of the
pack who had talked to the girl.

"And as she walked towards him with his mighty sword raised and fury in her
eyes and bloodied all over, the Wolf turned cowardly. 'Please, oh mighty
warrior, spare my life and I will serve you for ever,' he begged.

"Then the Little Green Outrunning Hood looked around and saw the carnage
about her. And she said, 'Oh very well. You are fast on your feet. I will
let you live if you swear that you will serve as my mount for all time.'

"The Wolf didn't have much of a choice. So he said, 'This I swear, oh
mighty Orc woman.'

"And the Little Green Outrunning Hood who knew a little voodoo magic told
him, 'Then devour the corpses of your fallen pack, for such cannibalism
will surely carve the words of your vow into stone.'

"And she took off her little green-and-red-and-brown-with-bits-of-wolves
outrunner's hood and other armor and dropped them on the ground next to
where the Wolf was eating the remains of his pack. Then she said, 'I am
bloody and sweaty and sticky, I'll go and wash myself in the nearby pond.'

"And the wolf devoured the corpses and fell on the ground, immensely fat
and full and fell asleep.

"Then an Orc peon came out of the forest. He looked at the bloody ground
and the fat sleeping wolf and the Little Green Outrunning Hood's gory armor
strewn about on the dirt, and he said, 'Oh no! De wolf 'as eaten de Lil'
Green Outrunnin' Hood! I must free her by cuttin' open de big wolf's

"He was not too bright, that peon, and thought he could put together and
bring to life something that's been bitten to small pieces and chewed and
swallowed and half-digested.

"But as he was going towards the wolf with his wood-chopping axe in his
hand, the Little Green Outrunning Hood came back from the pond, dripping
wet and naked. And she saw the Wolf and the peon and guessed what he was
about to do. Then she grabbed a large club from the ground and whacked the
peon upside the head."

*Smashing hand-movements.*

"She clubbed the peon senseless and told him in no uncertain terms that if
he was ever to try to gut her mount again, she would play
kick-the-ball-at-your-opponents-hard game with his skull.

"Then she woke up the wolf, sat on top of him, and rode back to her
village. Her father was mighty proud of her and the village singers made
rousing battle-songs about her victory.

"So from that day on, we Orcs ride on wolves. And Little Green Outrunning
Hood, as the first ever wolf-rider, was from then on called Little Green
Outriding Hood and went on to lead her troops to mighty battles and great
victories. And peons are still being mocked about their stupidity that
almost cost the Orc race their mounts. And they get beaten about the head,
like so."


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Gergel Cosmic Smash!
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Topic/Postby Serendipity » 29 Dec 2008, 11:12

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Topic/Postby Finna » 06 Jun 2009, 11:42

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