Survivor's guilt

Take a look into the life of a not-so-ordninary servant of the light!

Topic/Postby Lilandris » 06 Jun 2010, 07:16

Survivor's guilt

Been a while since I wrote something, had myself a sleepless night now so I figured I'd do something creative. :Q

I hope you enjoy this story (if you are gonna bother to read it :P)... Feedback, comments and constructive criticism is welcome as always :) Also, shameless use of some Mithril Guard characters :Q

Survivor's guilt

Lil sat in a corner of her home in Ironforge, arms around her legs and her forehead resting on her knees. The room was dark, except for a single lit candle on the floor in front of her. She had been sitting like this all day, replacing the candle every time it burned out, thinking of a friend, a friend who had recently passed away. She was crying, weeping for a friend she couldn't save.
- "So now another has been taken, wrested from my hands while I was powerless to do anything about it."
Lil wiped the tears out of her eyes, but it didn?t take long before they filled her eyes once more.
- "Who are they to call troops back to the front only days after they have returned home? That's madness!"
Lil stared at the candle in front of her, before looking across the room to a table where two letters lay, one had been from her friend, stating that there was a call to arms, probably a false alarm. The other had been from her friend's superiors, informing Lil of her friend's death.

All around her, friends seemed to disappear, either to their graves or over the hills and far away. Times were hard indeed, but Lil knew she wasn't the only one who felt like this, everyone knew someone who had died in Northrend or gone off in search of greener pastures, never to be heard of again. Lil felt things she had never felt before now; survivor's guilt, an eerie sense of abandonment and loneliness, and for the first time in her life her thoughts went towards doubting the light and her faith in it. Those thoughts made her uneasy, and in rapid, almost uncontrolled movements, she would pull her hair and grimace.

Lil was getting restless, she blew out the candle and got up, she needed to get out, needed to run. She felt she was beginning to have trouble breathing, nevertheless she almost sprinted out of the house, the sound of her hooves hitting stone floors echoed through the almost empty streets of Ironforge, Lil panted heavily as she ran towards the city gates, she would throw glances from side to side and over her shoulder, look at the guards who were out on their night shifts, who would send her either confused or suspicious looks in return. Every now and then Lil would stumble, but doing everything in her power to stay on her hooves, she gasped for air as if she was being choked. Lil rounded a corner and ran into a rather tall and burly draenei man in plate armor, almost knocking him over, in a split second she looked him in the eyes, the terror in her own eyes strong enough to make the man shiver, she also cut her left palm on one of the spikes on the other draenei?s armor, but she paid it little mind as she ran towards the gate and leaving the man confused and slightly scared. Lil could see the sky outside, at this point she was in full panic and her heart was beating so rapidly and so hard that it felt like her chest was going to explode.

When she got outside the gate she fell to her knees in the snow, the icy wind was howling and Lil gasped for air as she struggled to regain control of her own breath. The two dwarven guards that were posted outside the gates moved towards her.
- "What are you doing, are you alright?" The guards shouted at her through the howling wind.
- "You shouldn't be out here in the blizzard, miss, I suggest you go back inside!" The guards continued to move towards Lil.
- "Stay away!!" Lil pulled the flintlock pistol from her belt and cocked it before twisting her torso around to point the gun at the guards. The guards stopped.
- "Don't do anything you will regret, miss!" The guards pulled their axes from their own belts.
Lil kept the gun pointed at the guards, but suddenly she could hear voices behind her, demonic voices. She turned back around and saw nightmarish apparitions of her own imagination run and float towards her, putting their arms out and reaching for her.
- "NOOOOO!!" Lil screamed and pointed the gun at the apparitions, closed her eyes tightly, and pulled the trigger. The blast echoed slightly in the vicinity before being erased by the wind. Out of the barrel of Lil's gun a projectile of pure light shot off into the night and disappeared along with the apparitions.

The blast knocked Lil down from her knees so that she lay on her back in the snow. The two guards that had been watching the whole time rushed towards her and slapped her in irons before taking her to the Ironforge jail. The guards dragged Lil into a cell and dropped her on the floor before locking the door on their way out. Lil lay on the floor and stared out of her cell.
- "We are all doomed! bounding towards hell and the Twisting Nether! No creature will be spared! Doomed! Hell! Nether!" Lil went on rambling through the night in her delirium, it frightened the other prisoners and the prison guards, the guards would tell her to pipe down every now and then, but she wouldn't respond at all.

The following morning Thane Grov Blackbeard Wildhammer and Captain Grogbe Stoutheart of The Mithril Guard passed through, as they had encountered a troublemaker at Bruuk's Corner and decided to haul him off to jail. They went past Lil's cell and kicked the troublemaker into his own cell, before making their way out again. Grogbe threw a glance into Lil's cell as they walked past. He stopped.
- "Uh... bothh?" Grogbe beckoned Grov over to him and pointed into the cell.
- "Och! by King Magni's beard, wot in blazes is she doing in there!?" Grov exclaimed.
Grov kicked the chair that the jailor sat sleeping on.
- "Oi! Wake oop ye slacker!" Grov shouted at the jailor, who woke with a fidget before standing up and saluting when he realized who he was in the presence of.
- "Wot in tha king's name is she doin' in there?" Grov spoke with a slight hint of anger in his voice.
- "Eh, what, who, th-the lass in cell one?" The jailor stuttered.
- "Yes, ye numbskull!"
- "Eh, she was apparently causin' a distoorbance outside th' gates in the middle o' th' night, tha's all th' guards who brought her in told me."
- "Do ye even know who tha' is?"
- "No, sah!"
- "Tha's Lilandris! th' Lightmancer!" Grov gave the jailor a bonk on the noggin.
- "Never heard of her, sah!"
- "Och! Ye should, ye halfwit!"
- "Yes, sah!"
- "Thir, the thpeakth!" Grogbe patted Grov on the shoulder and pointed at Lil.
Lil started rambling again as she had done before, Grogbe and Grov stood speechless for a moment.
- "She's been like tha' all night, sah." The jailor sighed.
- "Wot happened tae her?" Grov asked and looked at the jailor.
- "Ah dunnae know, ye should ask th' guards who brought her in, sah, their names are on th' shift schedule on th' wall there." The jailor pointed at a piece of paper that hung on the wall over his desk.
- "Reet, ah'll do tha' immediately." Grov stroked his beard.
Grogbe stepped closer to the bars of Lil's cell.
- "Mithh Lil, are ye alreet? Wot hath happened?" Grogbe looked at Lil with a worried expression on his face.
- "Beatrice! Beatrice where are you!?" Lil suddenly curled and sat up, before crawling backwards into the corner of her cell.
- "The lookth crathed, thah."
- "Aye, who is this Beatrice though?" Grov kept stroking his beard, Grogbe and the Jailor shrugged.
- "Mithh Lil, who ith Beatrithe?"
- "Beatrice can save me, yes... I must hurry to Darkshire!" Lil spoke without looking at anyone, her eyes flashing every now and then.
- "Ah dun' think ye thould go anywhere jutht yet mithh Lil." Grogbe scratched his head, Lil didn't respond.
- "Maybe we thould travel tae Darkthire and theek oot thith Beatrithe, thah?"
- "Aye, maybe we should." Grov nodded solemnly.


To be continued... yeah I know... I'm gonna try to finish this one >.<
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Lilandris
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Topic/Postby Lilandris » 04 Jul 2010, 14:55

And here it is, at long last, the continuation, enjoy! comments etc. are welcome as always. :)

The continuation

A few days later, Grov and Grogbe returned, they had found Beatrice without too much trouble. The horn of the hour sounded through Ironforge, the time was four in the afternoon. Grov and Grogbe walked into the jail, Beatrice followed in behind them. The jailor unlocked the door to Lil’s cell and let Beatrice inside, he left the door open. Grov, Grogbe and the jailor waited outside without saying a word to each other, it was apparent that they were worried about their friend and ally, with the possible exception of the jailor, as he didn’t really know Lil in the first place, but he knew that the situation was serious.

Beatrice stepped slowly towards Lil, the light from the torches on the walls shone in Beatrice’s oval-shaped glasses. Lil looked up at Beatrice after hearing her footsteps, there was weariness, confusion, and a hint of anger in Lil’s eyes, Beatrice stopped as she looked into Lil’s eyes.
- “I-I hear that you’ve been calling my name, Lilandris.” Beatrice tilted her head sideways and clasped her hands together. Lil sighed.
- “I had a gut feeling that you would be able to help me.” Lil seemed less delusional for a moment.
- “Well, I am here now, dear, what is it you need of me?”
- “I felt the need to talk, with someone who isn’t in my regular circle of friends.” Lil’s voice was monotone and depressing.
- “About what?” Beatrice moved to the bunk bed in the cell and sat down on it, looking down on Lil who was still sitting on the floor.
- “I don’t know where to start, really.”
- “How about the beginning, tell me what made you run panic-stricken through the streets and out into a blizzard.” Beatrice adjusted her glasses further up on her nose with her middle finger.
- “I... I don’t know, I was just sitting in my house, mourning. And suddenly, I doubted the light for a second... Ugh! there it is again!” Lil cringed, again pulling her hair. “Surely you must understand the severity of such thoughts to someone like me!?” Lil looked desperately into Beatrice’s eyes.
- “I do when I see that look in your eyes, tell me, what is it that makes you doubt?”
- “All this death, I pray for my friends every day, and still they die and disappear. And this causes me to ask if my prayers are ineffective, and if I lose my faith, I lose the last piece of myself.” Lil burst into tears. “I just want something to save me, the light will protect me in the afterlife, at least I hope so, but what about the time before I die? Who will keep me from going completely insane?”
- “You have friends who have helped you out in the past, where are they now?” Beatrice placed a hand on Lil’s shoulder.
- “Times changed... I don’t blame any of them for dying or disappearing, it just happened, it’s not anyone’s fault.”
- “I’m sure the light keeps them safely in it’s embrace.”
- “Have you ever heard of a holy person going to hell?”
- “No, I can’t say I have.”
- “Well, you’re looking at one right now.”
- “Don’t say that! What could you possibly have done to deserve such a fate?”
- “I murdered my last living family member, in cold blood.” Lil looked away, tears rolling down her face. Beatrice gasped.
- “I deserve to be locked up like this!”
Beatrice sat speechless. Lil got up and started walking around the cell.
- “I’m gonna have to ask you to not tell this to anyone.”
- “O-Of course, this is between you and me.”
- “I hear her voice in my head, sometimes I even hear my father’s voice too. I see them before me in my dreams, and I sometimes see them when I’m not dreaming too.” Lil hid her face in her hands and swore out loud.
- “Surely there is no need for profanity, Lilandris.”
- “I just don’t know what to do.”
- “Maybe you should speak to that spiritual leader of yours, what was his name again, Velen?”
- “It’s worth a try I guess, thank you Beatrice.” Lil dried her eyes.
Beatrice escorted Lil out of her cell, they walked outside where the three dwarves still stood silently.
- ”This isn’t the last time we will meet, Lilandris.” Beatrice and Lil hugged before Beatrice walked off.
- “Are ye feelin’ better, Lil?” Grov looked up at Lil.
- “A little, though I now have an errand in The Exodar, I need to speak to Velen.”
- “Who was tha’ woman anyway?”
- “She saved my life once.”
- “Do ye need uth tae accompany ye tae The Ekthodar, mithh Lil?” Grogbe scratched his head again.
- “No, I think it’s best if I go alone, thank you.”

Lil traveled to Stormwind in order to book passage to Azuremyst isle, the voyage was uneventful, thankfully enough. Safely on the shores of Azuremyst, Lil walked towards the Exodar wreck, she was wearing snow-white robes, upon approaching The Exodar she stopped for a moment, looked over her shoulder, and put the hood of the robe over her head and down over her eyes; she didn’t want to meet anyone’s gaze as she made her way towards The Vault of Lights and Prophet Velen. When Lil finally stood in front of Prophet Velen, he eyed her for a moment, not in suspicion however, it seemed rather to be a way of getting to know the situation he found himself in. Lil knelt in front of the prophet before pulling back her hood.
- “I have come seeking your wisdom, prophet.”
- “Yes, the farseers told me to be expecting someone in a white robe today, please stand up, it is much easier to hold a conversation that way.”
Lil stood back up, Velen’s eyes were friendly, but serious.
- “So, child, what is it you need my wisdom for?”
- “I have lost my mind, and I am in danger of losing my way as well, I beg of you, prophet, you must help me.”
- “Hmm, I see a lot in your eyes, child, much has happened these past few years, much of it unpleasant, I see fear, bitterness and anger in your eyes. And I see madness.” Velen gazed deeper into Lil’s eyes. “Tell me, what is your name, child?”
- “L-Lilandris.” Lil seemed caught off guard by the question. Velen nodded solemnly at Lil’s answer, he stood there silently a while before speaking again.
- “You are not the first one who carries your name, it has a reference to another woman who lived a long time ago, she carried the same burdens of madness that you do, no one knew why she was given that burden. The name took up it’s meaning after that woman; ‘The maddened one’.”
- “So, does this mean I’m destined to walk Azeroth with this.. this curse.. forever?”
- “That I can’t answer, what we don’t know now we might know tomorrow however. I will send for you when I have a real answer to give you.”
- “Before I go, prophet, do you know any way for me to keep the apparitions I see and the voices in my head away, if only for short moments?”
- “Madness is a difficult and unpredictable illness, one solution does not fit all, one thing you could try however, is to face your fears, it might help keep the apparitions at bay.”
- “And how is it I do that, how do you face insanity without succumbing to it?”
- “Oh, I think you will find a way, don’t worry.”
Lil thought the answer was a little strange, coming from someone like the prophet Velen himself, She gave Prophet Velen a confused look.
- “Yes, child, face the apparitions, follow your heart, and you will find the truth to the question you have.”
Lil bowed to the prophet and left, making her way out of The Exodar, still with her hood covering her eyes.

When she got outside, she ventured into the forests of Azuremyst isle, looking for a suitable spot to sit down. She eventually found a good spot and started meditating, or rather reversed meditation; attempting to fill her mind with as many scary, maddening and otherwise unpleasant thoughts. This wasn’t a hard task, not long after, her head was filled with voices and thoughts of various dreams, nightmares and imagination. She looked around, scouring the area for anything that could be a product of her own mind, and there it was, apparitions gliding and crawling towards her like they had done before. Lil stood up quickly and readied her hammer, when the apparitions got in range, she would start swatting at them with the hammer, making each of them vanish one after another, but they just kept coming, Lil kept it up until she collapsed in fatigue. She laid on her back, looking up at the sky through the trees, and then she heard her mother’s voice in her head.
- “So, daughter, are you having fun?” the voice laughed as Lil’s mother’s ghost appeared in front of Lil, she got up on her elbows to see better, then she pulled her gun and pointed it at the ghost.
- “Do it! Pull the damn trigger! Kill me once more!”
- “I thought you had forgiven me, what do you want me to do, what do I have to do to make you go away!?”
The ghost just laughed, Lil dropped the gun and laid back down again and closed her eyes.
- “Shield me, Light, your devoted servant,? come to me, through my plea,? bring me strength in this time of need,? you are the calling that I heed,? I place my fate, in your hands,? give me the answer, to this test of faith.”
The ghost and the voice vanished instantly as Lil finished her prayer, she opened her eyes and took a look around, the sound of birds singing filled her ears, it got louder and louder, Lil boggled at the sound rising in volume, but only for a moment before she started shaking terribly and passed out.

Lil woke to Beatrice standing over her, with a grin.
- “Beatrice..?”
- “Surprised to see me I guess?”
- “Are you gonna help me up?”
- “As a matter of fact, no.” Beatrice laughed through her nose. Lil gave her a confused look. “You see, I’m not who you take me for; I have been watching you ever since you set foot in Duskwood that time to hunt necromancers.”
- “So, who are you then?” Lil got up.
- “That would be telling, but I think you get the idea pretty soon.” Beatrice pushed her glasses further up on her nose. “I am a madnessweaver, I prey on the weak-minded, induce insanity into their minds and making their worst nightmares seem just as real as you and me.”
- “So, you are the one who is responsible for all these apparitions and crazy thoughts!?”
- “Not entirely, but yes, you could say that, you are certainly a strong individual, but that does not mean that you are not weak-minded, you were already in trouble when I came along, I just added fuel to the fire, so to speak.”
Lil picked up her hammer from the ground.
- “I demand you release me from this curse, or I swear to the light I will make your death a very slow one.”
- “Really, and who said I would do that just because you ask, or go down without a fight, if it has to come to that?” Beatrice folded her arms.
- “We can play it that way, if we have to!”
- “Oh, but in your own words: ‘How does one fight insanity?’”
Beatrice snapped her fingers, disappearing and leaving true copies of Lil in a circle around Lil.

Lil readied herself for more fighting, the images didn’t move, they all just stood staring at her, Lil suddenly realized why a lot of people found her eyes unnerving, Lil felt all the eyes piercing her with their gaze. Sickening, she felt like she was going to throw up. Lil gathered up her strength and ran towards the images, the images readied their weapons, Lil kept running and as she made contact with the images, they all turned into sand. Suddenly the surroundings turned into a desert. Lil looked around for enemies, but all she could see was dunes of sand as far as the eye could see.
- “It’s amusing to watch your reactions, see the desperation in your eyes.” The voice of Beatrice came from inside Lil’s head, “Sanity is such a fragile thing, don’t you think?”
- “This is not real! Show yourself you coward!!”
- “Very well.”
Lil was suddenly stabbed in the back, and let out a scream of pain. Beatrice laughed.
- “Ugh, is that the... best you can do?” Lil grimaced in pain, the stiletto she had been stabbed with was relatively short, so she was not seriously injured, but it had hurt pretty bad nevertheless.
Lil swung her hammer at Beatrice’s head, Beatrice dodged it and made another attempt at stabbing Lil. Lil quickly jumped to the side and tackled Beatrice, Lil stumbled on top of Beatrice and dropped her hammer as she fell, she started pummeling Beatrice’s face with her fist, ruthlessly.
- “I think it is your time to go now, Beatrice!” Lil’s eyes flared and flashed with anger and rage “But first I want information, why have you done this!?”
- “Go to hell! I will tell you nothing!”
Lil headbutted Beatrice before pulling her gun and pointing it at Beatrice’s head, Beatrice was bleeding heavily from her nose and mouth.
- “Oh, but I think you will, do you know this gun? I’m not gonna bother telling you it’s story, but I will tell you that it has the power to suspend evil people like you somewhere between life, death and undeath, and you end up in a plane where time has ceased to exist and the only feelings you will know are pain and suffering. You simply cease to exist to everyone else. So, shall I pull the trigger?”
Beatrice swallowed hard, for the first time after her true identity had been revealed, there was fear in her eyes.
- “I’m with the necromancers, I did this to help them!”
- “What are they planning, besides digging up the dead?”
- “War! neutralizing you is our first step, before we catch you all off guard while all your soldiers are in Icecrown!”
- “Fine, if you want war, I’ll give you war! Return to your master and let him know that his days are numbered, and that I’ll give him the damned war he wants!”
- “We’ll be watching you, lightmancer, do not think yourself to be on the winning side!”
Lil punched Beatrice one last time before getting off her, letting her run away. Lil knew that she couldn’t win a war, not without help, the thought of it scared her gravely.
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Topic/Postby Lilandris » 04 Jul 2010, 14:56

I wasn't very happy with the ending, but I figured I couldn't make it any longer, (collectively the whole story is over 3800 words) >.>
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